Who Argues To Prove His Wisdom Shows Only Ignorance

Whoever argues so much to prove his wisdom or to impose his universal truth, shows nothing but his ignorance. Because it is not intelligent who has the upper hand in arguments, but who does not provoke them and who knows how to distance himself when he realizes that there are battles that are not worth fighting.

It is therefore evident that the art of arguing is closely linked to personality. The way we carry out this process is also related to the education received and the family dynamics in which we grew up. In these micro-universes, so diverse and complex, we often end up assimilating the belief that the one who shouts the most is the one who ends up being right.

Those who rarely argue do so to bring positions closer. He tries to disarm, he listens to answer and not to understand, thus amplifying the misunderstandings to create an atmosphere marked by negativity and tensions. If, since childhood, you have seen your parents trigger real disputes based only on the exchange of grudges, you will understand why the dynamics of this type crystallize generation after generation.

Nobody initiates us into the art of right discussions, there is no doubt about this. This makes it not at all easy to handle such situations if the person in front of us is our partner or another close family member. Because the more emotional closeness there is, the greater the side effects and the heavier the arsenal of accusations that can be made.

We propose that you reflect on this topic with us.

The 5% theory in couple discussions

We all know that the most difficult discussions are those that take place in the couple. It is a raw, bitter and intense scenario, in which emotions are at the skin’s edge. Spite, the stubbornness of wanting to impose one’s point of view and the desperate need to feel understood do not always make our arguments as clear or constructive as we would like.

In couples therapy, there is a foolproof theory that refers to just this: the 5% rule. Inside the chaos of convulsive tensions and differences, there is always a small corner where one can converge. Recognizing that 5% in which both are in agreement does not absolutely mean having to abandon the position compared to the other 95%.

That is an island of salvation where the couple can sit down to come to an agreement. We cannot forget that the ultimate goal of discussions with our partner is not to “win”, but to “build”. We will be able to do this only by means of adequate emotional intelligence, respect and the principle of reciprocity.

Whoever argues to be right loses everything

Surely you have happened to shake the bottle of a fizzy drink. When you removed the cap, the liquid exploded out, splashing all over the place. The same thing happens with heated fights in which, in just five seconds, you can lose everything. Getting carried away by a moment of anger can lead you to a lifetime of repentance.

Emotions are like fizzy drinks: if you hold them back day after day, swallowing the toad and keeping quiet, lowering your head and accepting, the day will come when you explode in the worst possible way. Reacting to something after just a second has side effects, but keeping quiet and putting up with isn’t a good choice either.

Below we propose that you reflect on the strategies you can put into practice to better manage discussions.

The art of discussing with serenity and intelligence

You can try to stay calm and tell yourself it’s not worth arguing. However, everyone has an alarm button that manages their limbic system. The latter is a brain structure that is the foundation of our most instinctive essence and that whispers to us “react, you are facing a threat”.

• The trick to arguing intelligently is not to let them get you this far

  . You must avoid this phase where your will is manipulated by the limbic system, because that is the moment when anger, spite and inability to control emerge.

• Don’t let the arguments ignite.

  Extend the response times, visualize a room with a white and serene light that you can enter whenever you need to distance yourself; in this way, you will continue to see things clearly.

• When valid arguments cease to be present to make room for accusations, it’s time to stop

  . At this stage, any discussion stops making sense to turn into a pitched battle.

• Whoever argues with aplomb, acumen and desire to be constructive, actually hides a great previous learning

  . This person manages his emotions, and most importantly, he has good self-knowledge and is fully confident in himself.

We know that, in our language, the word “discuss” has a negative connotation. However, there are discussions that are worth having: those through which an agreement can be reached, thanks to respect and attention. This is possible only if both invest in an essential aspect: good will.

Images courtesy of Jimy Liao and Quentin Gréban