What Hurts Me And What You Don’t See (emotional Denial)

Building and being part of a couple isn’t easy at all. It’s all a puzzle in which to match spaces with gaps, fears with needs, desires with frustrations. Despite this, it is an adventure that deserves to be lived at any age and at any time because it nourishes us, is an example and makes us learn a lot as people.

If we conducted a survey to verify which is the aspect that most worries or causes the separation of couples, it would turn out that, without any doubt, it is a question of misunderstanding, ” you do not understand me ” or ” you do not see what hurts me ”.

Who knows, maybe it is true that ” men are from Mars and women are from Venus “, but the interesting fact is that in many of these behaviors there is actually a clear ” emotional denial “. In other words, there are people who notice that something is missing, that something is happening, but who nevertheless decide not to see, to look elsewhere to avoid talking.

Emotional denial is a defense mechanism by which you avoid recognizing the presence of a problem. Today we talk about this topic, about this aspect so common in couple relationships.

Emotional denial is the mask that hides the problem

Emotional denial can manifest itself in many different ways. We bring two very clear examples.

We have a woman who feels more and more asphyxiated by her unhappiness day after day . However, he refuses to admit it. She lives with a companion who loves her and with whom she has a rather long-lasting relationship, but there are certain aspects that, although they were insignificant in the past, are now large black holes. He is a man who gets caught up in irony, who often ridicules and humiliates her both in public and in private; he does it in a joking way, but his self-esteem has still drastically reduced.

Despite this, she tells herself that she does not do it with bad intentions, that she knows that she loves her, that it is her way of being, that there is no form of mistreatment. This would undoubtedly be an obvious type of emotional denial. She herself justifies her partner’s behavior by denying the reality of the problem, her unhappiness, her low self-esteem and her humiliation.

In this second case, we have a young woman who has stopped being attracted to her partner. She no longer feels taken up, she no longer has fun with her partner or is interesting to her. However, she still does not have the courage to tell him and hopes that he is the one to realize it.

But why does this happen? His partner knows perfectly well that something is wrong, that something is happening, but he prefers to close his eyes to the problem and pretend not to have realized it. He prefers emotional denial so as not to highlight the situation he faces.

As you can see, the condition of emotional denial, of ” nothing happens “, is actually a defense mechanism that is exploited a lot in the couple relationship; it is a clear example of insecurity and immaturity, as well as hiding many personal fears.

How to deal with emotional denial

Emotional denial can affect ourselves or our partner, and is used to avoid facing certain situations. How can this frustrating defense mechanism be resolved or made to disappear?

1. First of all you must understand that denial is a defense mechanism, that is, that its purpose is to protect us, to put a blindfold on us, but in the long run this damages us.

2. If your partner is using it, show him that closing his eyes to the evidence does not improve the situation. Even so, take into consideration the fact that it won’t be easy for your partner to admit to denial every day. You will have to fight against strong resistance and opposition.

3. You will have to use comparison. When faced with denial, bring proof. Can’t you see that if you act like this you hurt me? Don’t you realize that if you keep treating me like this you will pull me away from you? Every action has a consequence, especially in couple relationships, where there is always a need for a balance of forces and an investment of energy. If one of the two offers more than the other or if one of the two is always at a disadvantage, the relationship will fray day after day.

4. To deal with emotional denial,  you have to go through the same process as a bereavement, that is, first the misunderstanding will come, later the anger or anger, but little by little you will begin to accept the problem in all its reality. , to then face it with strength and courage.

It is worth a try.