Stop Being Demanding!
According to cognitive-rational therapy, our emotional suffering depends fundamentally on the irrational assessments we make of ourselves, others and the world. These evaluations are absolutist needs, obligations, duties, “must”.
When we demand something of ourselves, we tend to think: “I should do it perfectly”, “I should be a perfect mother, a perfect husband, a perfect worker”, “I should be thin”. When we demand something from the world, we think: “it shouldn’t be like this”, “the world should work in another way”, “it’s not right for it to happen to me”. When we demand something from others, our thoughts are like: “everyone should treat me as well as I do with others”, “my husband should realize what I need”, “my friends should always warn me about theirs. programs “.
What happens on an emotional level in case of absolutist needs?
By being demanding of ourselves in an unreal or absolutist way, we generate feelings of anxiety, depression or guilt because we care about meeting the expectations we have set as obligations. This will end up stressing and blocking us.
When we fail to meet our expectations, we will feel like a failure, useless or despicable, which does not help solve the problem, but helps to block us even more.
Perfectionism is enormously responsible for any form of absolutism. Perfectionist people pretend that everything is perfect and delay what they have to do just for fear of not doing it perfectly. Since they would never do it perfectly, because perfection does not exist, they eventually stop doing it, “confirming” their thoughts of “I am good for nothing”, “I am a failure”.
On the other hand, when we expect the world to turn in the direction we would like, feelings such as victimhood and depression arise. If things don’t go our way, we suffer from what is called low tolerance for frustration, that is, the tendency to exaggerate the unbearable of a situation, to qualify it as terrible, unmanageable, catastrophic.
Finally, if we do not accept the fact that others have the full right, whether we like it or not, to act freely and expect them to behave as we would like, then we do nothing but feed angry feelings and passive-aggressive or violent behavior. These feelings will further worsen the relationship with others and trigger the opposite effect.
If we become aggressive towards others because they do not act in the way we would like, in the end we will not get any other result than that of being bitter and finding ourselves without any control over the way others act, as well as worsening the relationship we have with those people. .
What should be done then?
Stop being demanding. At this point you may ask, is this not conformity? No. It’s okay to have desires, it’s okay to want to achieve goals, it’s okay to fight for things to go the right way, it’s okay to prefer that others always treat us well and with respect, etc.
Consequently, accept this reality and stop being demanding with yourself, with the world and with others. Think: “I would rather be thin, but if not, I have many other qualities and things to offer to others”, “I would like my husband to remember our anniversary, but he is human and he too can be wrong. However, it has many other qualities ”,“ I would like to find the job I studied for, but if it never happens, I can also be happy with another type of job ”.
