When Loving Too Much Means Being Dependent

The word depend means being subject to conditions, limits or restrictions that are imposed on us by our surroundings. For example, to live, we depend on food and water, sleep, oxygen, etc.

In this sense, we are talking about basic needs, without which no one could really survive. It is normal and beneficial to realize that you need certain things to live.

For example, if we wanted to put a nail on the wall, it would be silly to say that it is necessary to have a hammer, because the nail can also be hung with another object, such as a stone. The hammer is a relative necessity, albeit better and more comfortable than the stone.

Including this difference, it is easy to transport it on the psychological level, in particular on that of love. We mistakenly think that we need love to be happy or to survive  and, although several studies have been carried out on this topic, no one has come to the conclusion that happiness or lack of it depends on having or not in one’s own love life.

If we think that we necessarily need love in our life, especially the love of someone in particular, we will end up depending on that person,  as if our life could not follow its normal course if that person were not with us. To depend means to be chained.

How do you know if you love or depend?

There are some clues that can help you understand if you are falling into the trap of emotional dependence:

Allow the other to treat you badly

You have idealized the other person to such an extent that you think that in love and, in particular, with your partner, everything is allowed, that nothing happens if you disrespect you,  that it will change, etc. Deep down you know that this is not the case and you suffer, but you have an incredible fear of getting out of this relationship so you prefer to endure the unbearable.

You become anxious if your partner is not by your side

Seeing a necessity in your partner, you are afraid that this person is not always by your side, because you think you will lose them  or not be able to control them remotely. It is as if we are dying of thirst and cannot find water to drink: we become anxious in the same way, forgetting, however, that water is really a primary necessity.

It seems to you that your life has no meaning if that person is not by your side

You try to think of a future without that person and you don’t want to imagine it, because it terrifies you. Think that without that person you will not be happy, you will not be able to enjoy anything, that you will be alone, etc. All these extremely unreal thoughts are the result of the belief that it takes love to move forward. However, being dependent is not a good option.

Since entering this relationship, you are no longer yourself

You no longer do the activities and projects that you were passionate about before and perhaps you have even stopped seeing your friends. You now prefer what your partner prefers, and you have also dedicated yourself to interests that you would never have even considered before. You are no longer who you once were, you have transformed into the Siamese twin of your partner and this, after all, makes you feel empty.

Key points to say goodbye to addiction

If you have identified yourself in the aforementioned points and want to leave the cage that you have created for yourself, it would be good for you to face the fear of loneliness and lack of love. Think that the key to leaving your cage is in your hands, you just have to use it!

• Change your overly romantic thoughts:  romance is beautiful and fun to the extent and as long as it can be controlled; if, however, we get carried away, we could get to formulate totally erroneous thoughts, such as “without you, I am nothing”, “without you, die”, “your lack is unbearable”, etc. These ideas, instilled in us by our culture, only fill us with anxieties in the face of the constant perception of the threat of loss.   

• Your partner is not your property, and vice versa:  even if we talk about “my boyfriend”, “my partner” or “my husband”, that “mine” is nothing more than a useful resource for communicating. That person is free, he doesn’t belong to us. She came into our life because she wanted to, and she is free to leave whenever she wants, whether we like it or not. Stop depending and understand that even if she is now your partner, she may not be one day, and you will survive anyway.

• Reassess Your Beliefs:  Why Is It Necessary to Have That Person? What do you do with his love? Why do you want it? Does it make you feel satisfied or does it make you feel good? Where is it written that a partner is needed to be happy?

• Change Your Conduct:  Once you have carefully analyzed these unreal thoughts and beliefs, you need to put them into practice in your conduct. Stop always wanting to know where your partner is, stop giving him explanations that are useless.

Enjoy his company, but also yours,  both alone and with other people. Do what you like to do and not what you have to do to please your partner. If your partner accepts the change, it will be wonderful. On the contrary, if he does not accept it, go away: he does not deserve you, nor do you need it. You don’t have to depend on someone to be happy.