Seeking Approval: Dysfunctional Conduct

Everyone likes to know that others appreciate him and approve of his way of being and the decisions he makes. This quest for approval is by no means a weakness. If a balance is maintained that ensures the independence of our actions and decisions, it is indeed positive. However, if we fail to preserve our independence to obtain the approval of others, we have a problem.

We all need to be cared for, appreciated, encouraged and supported. We don’t just need others to tell us they like us, but to really think so. The search for approval in our social relations is a phenomenon that can be defined as “healthy addiction.” Meeting this need in a healthy way helps to make us, in some situations, more autonomous so that we can support and encourage in turn.

We are talking about interdependence, a practice that consists of both giving and receiving and which is necessary for our survival and for our relationships. Yet, in many circumstances it is easy to fall into overdependence – the intense pursuit of other people’s approval.

When most of our energy is directed to the complacency of others in an attempt to gain approval, we enter a dangerous vicious circle. In this perspective, overdependence generates feelings of emptiness, inadequacy, loss, confusion and insignificance.

When the search for approval becomes an obsession

To understand ourselves better as adults, we need to analyze some aspects of our childhood. The first influencing factor, not necessarily conditioning, concerns the approval / disapproval we have received from our parents or loved ones. This aspect is often linked to our attempt to elicit recognition or not in adulthood. Our brains may have programmed some self-defensive behaviors at a childhood level against the disapproval of others, which risk as adults to hinder our relationships.

The defenses we create in childhood, when we do not feel sufficiently loved or valued by our loved ones, are undoubtedly important for our development. In adulthood, however, these defenses make it difficult to build new relationships based on trust and intimacy. Ironically, they can also prevent us from getting the very approval we seek so much.

How do we go about avoiding disapproval?

In our quest for approval, we often behave wrongly. These dysfunctional behaviors are a form of self-sabotage that we are often unaware of. According to the theory of Dr. Leon F. Seltzer, the dysfunctional behaviors that prevent us from finding the approval of others are the following.

Be a perfectionist or put yourself under pressure to perform better

This dysfunctional conduct makes us feel compelled to do everything in the best possible way. This attempt to eliminate the disapproval of others has nothing to do with the pursuit of excellence, which is much healthier and more selective, or with a personal motivation for improvement.

Rather, it is a matter of conduct in which “being up to par” is not enough. If we feel we are the best, we automatically become convinced that we are not capable.

Being the best version of ourselves doesn’t necessarily mean being the best in an absolute sense. But even if it were, we will never know if we do not stop focusing our efforts on trying to meet the expectations of others and not our own.

Avoid projects where you could fail

When failure is associated with parental disapproval or rejection, we risk denying ourselves the opportunity to undertake any project whose outcome is not guaranteed. The origin of this risk aversion can be traced back to childhood, as well as to posterior situations in which we took a risk, failed, and paid a high price for it.

Successful people often are successful because they don’t shy away from risk. They are willing to run it because they are convinced that failure is only the first step to ultimate success.

Protect yourself from the risk of disapproval by keeping a safe distance

If at some point in your childhood you stopped seeking your parents’ approval because it didn’t help you feel closer to them, you may have come to deny the need for such approval altogether. Whether it goes back to that first relationship or to others that followed, the automatism in keeping distance has now been learned.

If you didn’t get the approval or support you needed as a child, now you have mistrust of others. Your protective instinct forces you to keep others at a distance. As a result, you can never feel intimately connected to people. In these cases, anger is usually the most used defense to keep others at a safe distance.

Be complacent and codependent

The fourth dysfunctional conduct to avoid the disapproval of others proposed by Dr. Seltzer consists in a complacent and codependent attitude. If as a child you learned to always put the wishes of others before your own, leaving the latter in the background, it is likely that you still have this conduct.

Complacent and codipedent conduct leads to prioritizing the thoughts and feelings of others over one’s own. While giving priority to your needs as a child has aroused the disapproval of your parents, as adults you will fear that the same will happen with friends and acquaintances.

Conclusion

If you have recognized one or more of the behaviors listed, perhaps it is time to analyze in detail what is preventing you from being satisfied. You can’t change the past, but you can influence the present and the future.

We can reprogram our brains. If we can’t do it on our own, we can always ask for help.